Focus on curiosity- best dating advise
From February 19, 2019
Christine Baumgartner, a widow and professional dating and relationship coach provides an ongoing blog addressing the needs of widowers and their families as they try to adjust to the challenges of entering new relationships. Visit her blog at ThePerfectCatch.com and and read her bio here.
Are you getting ready to think about dating? Or maybe you’ve already put your “toe in the water”?
Let’s talk about a way to help make those first dates more fun and less stressful. This came up in a recent coaching conversation with a client and I wanted to share this dating advise with you too.
When you first meet that brand new person, it’s tempting to keep checking in on yourself. For example, you may repeatedly wonder “how am I doing” or “is this person going to be a match”. This can especially happen if you’re a bit nervous.
Here’s a way to make things flow more easily.
It might sound overly simple, but I’ve seen it work for many people (myself included). A great dating advise is to show up focused on curiosity. Put your energy into being curious about this unknown person you’re meeting. Start asking them the “I’m curious” types of questions.
Asking “I’m curious” questions helps to relax your brain. And when you’re genuinely curious, you’re more likely to stay open to the variety of answers you might hear.
When I stay open and don’t assume I know what the other person is going to say (and don’t spend the time they’re talking getting ready for my response), I’m able to truly hear what is said and am often surprised and engaged by their answers.
Staying with curiosity will put you more at ease (and very likely them, too).
You’ll find out about the other person in a natural, easygoing way. And this will help you figure out if you want to spend a second time with them to learn more.
Remember, the intention of “I’m curious” questions is not to see if the person is a potential life match for you. (This will be determined over a number meetings with them.) The intention is to learn about the other person and determine if you want to meet a second time.
In my own period of dating, I would create these questions by picking three items from the list of traits I’d like to find in a potential date, and then ask questions on those topics. For example, a trait on my must-have list was that the person “have longtime friends”.
Then, I would try to ease into my “I’m curious” question (I didn’t want it to appear like an interrogation). Perhaps I would open by talking about how I was just in Long Beach seeing a friend I’ve had for over 20 years. I could mention that she and I get together at least three times a year. This would lead into the question I had for the other person – what kinds of things do you do with your longtime friends?
And then, I would just listen to their answer. I found that not everyone had longtime friends. Some I continued seeing anyway because they had many other important traits.
The ultimate answer I received to the longtime-friend question was from my late husband. He told me he had over 300 people he personally called and sang happy birthday to every year. He had known some of these people for several decades.
An additional note.
You can use these “I’m curious” questions with any new person you meet in your daily life. Most people (children, employees, neighbors, service providers, etc.) are pleased when you ask them questions that show you’re interested in them and practicing this new skill will help you feel more comfortable when you’re on that first date.
Let me know how this works for you. Did using “I’m curious” questions help you relax? Did you get stuck figuring out what questions to ask? Did you have spectacular success? I love hearing back on all of these things.
