Challenges of dating when you have kids
From January 8, 2019
Christine Baumgartner, a widow and professional dating and relationship coach provides an ongoing blog addressing the needs of widowers and their families as they try to adjust to the challenges of entering new relationships. Visit her blog at ThePerfectCatch.com and and read her bio here.
You’ve met a woman and you really like her. You think there’s potential for a new happy future with her. You introduce her to your kids, hoping they’ll be happy for you. But they’re not. What now?
First of all, let me say, you’ve got lots of company on this particular issue. I’ve seen many situations where children object when their widower father starts dating or getting serious with a new woman. This can happen for a variety of reasons.
See if any of these reasons resonate with you:
Your kids might:
- think you’re trying to replace their mother.
- be worried you’ll get hurt or taken advantage of because you’re vulnerable.
- be wondering if their inheritance is going to be affected.
- have told you to start dating, but when it actually happens they decide they don’t like it.
- believe you won’t give them as much attention or affection as before.
- be concerned everything will change; furniture, traditions, schedules, etc.
In most cases, there’s probably nothing you can do to completely prevent the fears listed above. However, you can take steps to perhaps manage the fears in a positive and loving way.
A couple notes before I continue:
- You are not obligated to discuss whether or not you’re dating with your children. This is your personal and private business until you choose to share it.
- This article is written with teenage and adult children in mind. If your kids are younger than 10, some of the ideas below would need to be adjusted.
With that said, I should also mention it’s best to not introduce a new woman to your kids until you’ve been dating for at least a few months and you believe your relationship could be permanent. Because your children have already lost a mother, you don’t want them to get attached to another woman and then lose her too.
When you do decide to introduce a new woman, it’s a good idea to do it in a casual atmosphere – soccer game, dinner at a casual restaurant, etc. Consider telling your kids about her ahead of time (before they meet her). You could tell them reasons she makes you happy and why you think they’ll like her too.
A few things that might be tempting, but are not recommended:
- Don’t expect the new woman to be “their mother”.
- Don’t expect your children to call or treat her as their mother. She could be their friend and possibly (in the future) a confidant.
- Don’t expect the new woman to feel the same about your kids as you do or as your late wife did or as she does about her own kids (if she has some).
It’s important for your children to have input about a woman you are considering as a future partner. At the same time, it’s essential for you to be the person who makes the final decision about your future life, not your children.
Things you can discuss with your children:
- Explain that your dating does not mean forgetting their mother.
- Explain that their mother’s memory will always be honored and that she is not being “erased or forgotten.”
- Discuss what your future plans are with this new woman.
- Assure your kids you’ll definitely listen to their input and that you’ll be making the final decision.
- Explain how you’ll still be spending time with them, and discuss what will be the same and what might change.
It’s essential to keep the lines of communication open. When your kids express their concerns, it’s good to get to the bottom of their issue so each specific concern can be addressed. Continue this dialogue as long as it takes until everyone is feeling comfortable.
