A personal story from my life (“The 5 Love Languages”)
From January 29, 2019
Christine Baumgartner, a widow and professional dating and relationship coach provides an ongoing blog addressing the needs of widowers and their families as they try to adjust to the challenges of entering new relationships. Visit her blog at ThePerfectCatch.com and and read her bio here.
Last week, I talked about Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages “. Today, I’d like to include an example from my own life.
Before starting though, let’s review the languages:
- Acts of service – doing something for the other person.
- Quality time – spending time with the other person.
- Words of affirmation – giving compliments and other affirming verbal messages.
- Gifts – giving and receiving of gifts.
- Physical touch – regular physical touching.
Even if you like all five of these, there’s usually one you prefer. My language is “words of appreciation”. My late husband Tony preferred “acts of service”.
In my early years of coaching, I learned quickly that being a dating and relationship expert didn’t keep me from doing things as a wife that weren’t very “coach-like”.
When Tony and I would talk about something that upset me, he’d often say, “I don’t know what you want me to say that would make you happy.” In my wifely womanly way I’d tell him to say this or say that… and he’d try to remember.
This went on for quite some time, and we both got frustrated about it. Then, Tony asked me to write down what I wanted him to say (he liked lists a lot). My “coach brain” loved this suggestion too.
So, I made a list for Tony and here’s what was on it:
If I’m upset say any of these sentences:
- I understand that you’re feeling upset about (then repeat what I said I was upset about).
- I hear that you’re feeling upset about (then repeat what I said I was upset about).
- I’m sure that’s upsetting.
If I’m sad say any of these sentences:
- I hear how sad you’re feeling about (then repeat what I said I was sad about).
- I understand how (then repeat what I said I was sad about) makes you feel sad.
If I’m complaining about something that’s frustrating say any of these sentences:
- I understand how frustrated you’re feeling about (then repeat what I said I was frustrated about).
- I hear that you’re feeling very frustrated about (then repeat what I said I was frustrated about).
Tony took my list seriously. He shrank the list down and laminated it so he could put it in his wallet (I still have it). Even though I already “knew” my feelings were important to him, having him read things on my list made me extra happy.
And he took the list out regularly and used it – which really lowered our frustration. I now felt heard and he felt successful (because he knew that reading the list helped him help me feel better).
He even showed the list to his friends, and told them how useful it was in making me happy (they often wanted to copy it for use with their wives).
Then, one day we had a significant fight. I probably hadn’t had enough sleep or enough to eat and I don’t even remember what I was mad about. I do remember I was really mad. (And, of course, the relationship-coach side of myself was nowhere in sight.)
We were standing in the bedroom arguing and I said in my angry voice, “You need to get that list out of your wallet and read it right now!” So he did. We continued our loud and clipped conversation.
The dialog sounding something like this:
Me: I’m really mad at you!
Tony (reading from the list): I understand you’re really mad at me.
Me: And it’s all so frustrating! I can’t stand it!
Tony (reading from the list): I understand you’re frustrated and can’t stand it.
We went back and forth like this for a while. Facing each other – staring into each other’s angry eyes – both of our voices heated.
And all of a sudden, I realized I FELT BETTER!
I was shocked! I wasn’t angry anymore! And I actually started laughing! Now it was Tony’s turn to look shocked! He asked why I was laughing and I told him I wasn’t mad anymore and actually felt better.
Then I realized it hadn’t actually mattered how he SAID the words, my insides HEARD those words and through all the anger and frustration, I felt cared about. And when I explained this to him we both started laughing.
Now I don’t generally recommend that the you should read the “list” in an angry voice. But what I learned from my experience with Tony is that you don’t have to read the words perfectly. It all came down to him needing to say the words and me needing to hear them.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this “list” idea. What do you think about a woman giving you a list of what to say to her? What would you ask for on your personal list? Do you believe no one should have to write it down (that everyone should “just know” what to say)? Send me an email with your thoughts!
