you're not alone...
YOU DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING
By Fred Colby on May 3, 2024
I certainly don’t know everything! And… more than likely, neither do you.
One of the biggest shocks upon entering deep grieving as a widower is the realization of how ill-prepared we are to deal with it… much less survive it!
And yet, widowers will often say things like:
- I don’t need any help,” or
- “No one can help me,” or
- “No book, article, or blog can tell me what I need to know to get through this.”
Often, when one digs deeper, one finds that these widowers are in just as much pain and are as lost as the rest of us. The only difference is that they have a harder time admitting it, and just want to be left alone. I know because I felt that way for a while too.
They might also say, “Time alone can heal me.” Does anyone honestly believe that if we self-isolate in our home that time will heal us all by itself? Or do we need something more, like:
- Human contact
- Love and support from family, friends, co-workers, and neighbors
- Grief therapy or counseling
- Men’s grief group support
- Hearing the experiences of fellow widowers who survived this journey
- Activities, exercise, and projects to help us reengage with life
- Opportunities to share our and our wife’s story
Time, together with some or all these things can help us heal. But if we hunker down and wait for time to heal us, we are likely to be disappointed. To grieve is a verb, not a noun. It is active, not stationary. If we don’t process (another verb) our grief, we are stagnant in our grief and may have difficulty extricating ourselves from it.
Grieving is an act of loving, remembering, and honoring the one we lost. The more we do all three of these active parts of grieving, the faster and better we are apt to heal.
That is not to say we should all do it the same way or at the same pace. On the contrary, our unique grieving experience is what makes it so special to each of us. It is painful, at times life-threatening, and often seems unending. But the fact that we do emerge from it, makes it another one of those AFGO (Another F****** Growing Opportunity) life experiences that make us who we are going forward.
If we had long loving relationships with our special wives, we know that they would want us to grow and become even better men, rather than want us to sit at home moping about and wallowing in our grief. There is a time for that part of grieving, but it is not intended to be an ongoing permanent state of mind. If it becomes that, our ability to heal is greatly diminished.
So, do not fall into the trap of thinking you know all the answers and what is always best for you. Open your mind to other possibilities. Accept that others may be able to help you, that you can learn from the experiences of others, and that there just may be a viable and healthy future for you.
©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
