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Tethered To the Past (Hidden Grief)
By Stanley Kissel, Ph.D. on March 10, 2022
About the author
Stanley Kissel, Ph.D., a retired clinical psychologist, was an Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at Monroe County Community College, Nazareth College and the University of Rochester. Dr. Kissel has authored five psychology books and conducted workshops throughout the United States. He is on the board of the National Widowers’ Organization.
What’s a path to hidden grief?
Memories! Memories are a slippery slope. Holding on to your good memories is natural and healthy. However, allowing them to keep you tethered to the past is destructive. Grieving is a process which usually takes its course. It occurs over time in different stages and ends as stages of grief fade and the widower begins to move ahead into the mainstream of life.
We are all aware of some of the major signs of grief, such as depression, excessive crying, the inability to sleep and loss of appetite. However, you may be surprised to learn of a different kind of grief. This one is hidden, and in many ways more potent. I call it “Mired in the past.” In dealing with this issue, first comes awareness, followed by understanding. Ultimately it allows you to keep your memories while permitting you to loosen the chains to the past.
This hidden grief comes in many shapes and forms.
All of them are a deterrent to returning to a more positive way of living. The following are some examples that can help you to become aware of how it may be affecting you.
- I’m too old to start over again. Usually, men who have had a very good marriage keep their distance using this excuse to avoid the emotions inherent in a new relationship.
- A variant of the above is, I’ll never find someone as loving, kind, good, etc as my wife. Both young and older widowers can hide behind this assumed certainty.
- My in-laws, children, parents, etc., will be upset if I get involved in another relationship. This belief may be transferring your anxieties on to them in order to mask your own.
- With work and taking care of the children, I don’t have time for a new relationship. This thought is a more realistic reason for not getting involved with someone new. Focusing on your own well-being may seem like a distant luxury at this point.
- I had an unhappy marriage, and I wont make that mistake again. Loss of confidence in yourself to make better choices may cheat you of many years enjoying the possibility of a better life.
Below are some examples that have kept others from moving forward.
- A friend of mine professed an interest in getting involved in a serious relationship following the death of his wife. After his first year of being a widower he has gone on several cruises for single people. He also has registered on a number of dating sites. However, every woman with whom he feels a connection usually lives far away from him. He is willing to travel to visit her or meet her in a neutral place. However, he feels compelled to hide from his family the fact that he is dating for fear his children will be upset or angry, inevitably ending the relationship.
- An acquaintance of mine lost his wife three years ago. Her clothes are still hanging in the closet, the lingering scent of her perfume still present. He told me that every time he opens the closet, he is reminded of the wonderful life he had with his wife. He takes one step into the present and two steps back to the past.
- Two years after another friend’s wife passed away, her greeting is still what people hear when the answering machine picks up a call. He shared with me that when he feels lonely or bereft, he often dials his home number just to hear her voice.
Picking up the pieces and moving forward after losing your wife is never going to be easy. However, being anchored to the past will usually turn into a vicious cycle and grow deeper and deeper into a continued state of grieving. Becoming aware of this trap will help a widower to begin the first steps to developing a positive spiral and to once again begin to experience a more satisfying life.
