Fall brings anticipation for children starting school. Some children may be excited to see their school friends and teachers they have missed, for others it, may be the anticipation of meeting new children. They may have mixed feelings. However, for children who may have recently lost a parent (or other significant person), the start of school can cause anxiety and apprehension. If the child is young, they may be concerned about who is going to take them to school or be there when they come home. Who will make and pack their lunch? What will happen in school? Do they have to tell other people that their mom died? They may fear that they are the only ones in school with a parent who has died. Will other children ask them questions? What will they say?
For children, especially those who are young, It is important for parents/guardians to assist the child and help them navigate these waters. Below are some tips to help the bereaved child:
- After a death children may not have the words to express what and how they are feeling. Help them identify their concerns or fears. Art or play therapy are some tools that can help a bereaved child to elicit their concerns. Talk to them. Ask them what they are excited about and what they are anxious about as they return to school.
- Be proactive. Communicate with the school staff (teachers, guidance counselor, school nurse) about the death (when it happened, what is your child’s understanding about the death? What have you shared with your child? Has your child’s behavior changed since the death and if so, in what ways?
- Maintain ongoing communication with the school to ensure your child has a positive experience.
- Working with the school staff can help ensure a smooth transition back to school. Be sure to tell your child that you have spoken with their teacher, staff etc.
- Children need consistency and routines. Set up a schedule of who will take care of the child before and after school. For example, knowing in advance that your neighbor or the child’s friend’s mother will be watching the child after school, will be helpful to the child.
- Once school has started, continuously ask your child about their day, things that have happened in school, events of the day etc. Listen, listen, listen. Show your concern and give reassurance.
- Check with your local hospice or hospital for information about after
- school bereavement support groups. Support groups are helpful for children (and teens) because the child recognizes that they are not alone and that other children (teens) have lost a parent too. These programs can help a child give voice to their fears, emotions, and hopes as well as introduce appropriate coping skills.
Dr. Sherry R. Schachter, PhD, FT, RN is the President & Treasurer, and a Director of the National Widowers’ Organization. In 2021, she retired as Executive Director Emerita of Bereavement Services for Calvary Hospital / Hospice. Prior to that, she held multiple roles at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, including Nurse Manager, Psychiatry Fellow, and Assistant Attending Grief Therapist. With over forty years of experience supporting dying patients and their families, Dr. Schachter has led pioneering efforts in bereavement care. Her dedication to men’s grief support led her to establish a Men’s Bereavement Support Group, which continues today. She joined the NWO Board in 2016 and became President and Vice Chair in 2021. Under her leadership, the organization expanded its mission with the Men’s Grief Network, a project of the National Widowers’ Organization. Dr. Schachter is the mother of five and grandmother of ten. In her free time, she is an avid hand quilter.
