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Becoming a Widower with Young Children
By Stanley Kissel, Ph.D. on May 23, 2018
About the author
Stanley Kissel, Ph.D., a retired clinical psychologist, was an Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at Monroe County Community College, Nazareth College and the University of Rochester. Dr. Kissel has authored five psychology books and conducted workshops throughout the United States. He is on the board of the National Widowers’ Organization.
How can a widower with young children grief?
So your wife just died. Your four year old is puzzled by all the commotion in the house. One minute he is asking for his mother, the next he is playing happily with a favorite toy. Your 11 year old son has become morose and is often found crying in his bedroom. Your 14 year old daughter has changed from a happy-go-lucky girl into an angry tigress. You find yourself overcome with grief and overwhelmed by your family’s needs. What to do?
In case of an emergency, airlines tell you to take care of yourself before attending to others. That may be good advice for handling the dropping cabin masks in a plane. As far as the loss of a wife and mother, you won’t have much time to think of your own needs. You’ll realize soon enough that your children desperately need your love and guidance.
A widower needs to turn to his new primary role as a father
It makes sense for a grieving husband to want to take some time for himself to cope with his loss. Unfortunately, he needs to shift gears. After a few days he will find it necessary to turn to his new primary role as a father. He will have to be there for his grieving children. While he’ll still be experiencing his own pain, he will have to put the well-being of his children first. As a loving parent, his need to do that will never expire.
A former neighbor of mine lost his wife suddenly. She had been a full time homemaker for him and their two children ages five and eleven. He had always been a workaholic. Therefore, he was hoping to find solace by returning to his normal routine as soon as possible. He was planning to hire someone to take care of his two children. However, he very quickly discovered that both of his children needed him to be there for them. Only he could provide the comfort and guidance they required to help them grieve the loss of their mother. He decided to postpone his return to work for as long as he could. Instead, he spent his time fathering his children. He later told me that although it was very difficult for him to be out of his comfort zone, he believes it was the best decision he could have made.
Moments of sudden sadness and tears
As all who have grieved the loss of a loved one know, bouts of sadness and the flow of tears can be triggered without any warning. When such a moment of sudden sadness over takes you in the presence of your children, don’t deny or avoid your feelings. Use the opportunity as a teaching moment. Talk about your feelings with your children, telling them how sad you are because you miss their mother so much. Let your children know that it is okay to feel that as well, and to cry when they feel sad. However, also remind them that life is for the living and that all of us must move forward with our lives. Stress that for them it means getting back into their activities such as school, sports and other interests. By truncating your visible grief, talking with your children about your shared feelings of loss, and helping them to grieve, you will be giving them permission to regain the joy of life. Such shared moments will reap future benefits for you and for them.
It is important to talk with your children
Try to talk about their feelings in an age appropriate way relatively soon following the death of their mother. It is equally important to talk with each of your children individually, being aware that their developmental ages may be very different. Children who are in pre-school or early elementary grades function according to the principal of what they can see is here and what they can’t is gone. These children most often have little understanding of the concept of permanency and are unable to reason logically. When told that Mommy is dead, they may respond, “Yes, but I want my mommy now, or “Okay, but when is Mommy coming home.” As you try to explain she can’t, they will get more frustrated and demand that she come home now.” One remedy is to hug your young child and tell him or her how much you love him, how much Mommy loved him and that you also miss Mommy. You can tell the child that Mommy has gone to a place which is far far away where all good people go when they die.
The child in middle school has slowly transitioned from the ‘out of sight out of mind’ stage and can reason logically but literally. He or she can understanding the permanency of death. He may have already experienced the loss of a pet. Soon after a pre-teen child returns from his mother’s funeral, speak with him about the difference between the finality of death and the memory of her love and guidance. These are memories of her that will be locked away forever in his heart. Take the time to recall with him some loving moments he shared with Mom. Explain that in this way his mother will always be a part of him. Additionally, allowing your middle school child to partake in the rituals and ceremonies of the funeral may help with his grieving process and thus bring him some comfort.
The high school aged child is fully capable of understanding the concept of death and its permanence.
However, he is more likely to become angry at the loss of his mom and believe that if she loved him she would not have abandoned him. It is important to have repeated conversations stressing how much she loved all of her children, how much you miss her too, and how much you love them and will be there for them. Such conversations may help your adolescent overcome his anger and thus become more aware of his pain. In time it will help him to more realistically deal with his loss. If there are a number of children in the family and the oldest is a teenage daughter, be particularly careful not to place her in the position of becoming the ‘Lady of the house,’ and mother of the family. Try not to hold her responsible for cooking, cleaning or taking care of the younger children. She will begin to resent this inappropriate burden. By all means let all of the children help out, but don’t hold your daughter accountable for taking charge of the family. That is your responsibility.
What do all children who lose a mother have in common?
Regardless of age, one thing all children who lose a mother have in common with each other is the fear that their father may die soon as well. Talk with your children, emphasizing what has happened is very unusual and that try as they did, her doctors weren’t able to make her better. Reassure your children that you will be with them for a long, long time. Let them know that if either they or you get sick it doesn’t mean that any of you will die.
As your children, with your love, guidance and concern, begin to resume their normal activities, you will begin to notice a lifting of the malaise that overtook you when you lost your wife. You will begin to spend more time considering your own needs. A widower in this situation is more vulnerable to jumping into a relationship hastily so that he can find someone new to share the responsibilities of raising his children. That is a common mistake. When you are ready for a new relationship, focus on finding love. If you find someone who is right for you, it will most likely work well for your children.
