To marry or not to marry

By Stanley Kissel, Ph.D. on November 5, 2019

About the author

Stanley Kissel, Ph.D., a retired clinical psychologist, was an Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at Monroe County Community College, Nazareth College and the University of Rochester. Dr. Kissel has authored five psychology books and conducted workshops throughout the United States. He is on the board of the National Widowers’ Organization.

The grieving process has neither a set order nor number of stages a widower has to pass through. 

The process is different for everyone and very personal. So too is the process of answering the question of whether to live together or to remarry.  Grieving begins with the loss of a loved one and its ending is a gradual process.  The sleepless nights are less frequent, the tears are almost gone, and you are able to smile again, if only occasionally.

A friend or family member introduces you to a woman that you find interesting.

Perhaps you sit next to an attractive woman at a concert and start a conversation during the intermission. A seed is planted. You decide that perhaps it’s time to start dating.  Following a series of one-time dates, you meet someone who appeals to you and who finds you appealing. You begin to see each other more frequently, fall in love and want to grow old together. Marry or live together: that is a question that often arises. It’s a simple question, but like many simple questions it is more complex. I invite you to join me on a journey to consider some key issues which need to be addressed. The result will differ: what may point in one direction for some may point in the opposite direction for others. Neither path will be right or wrong. 

• Your relationship with your late wife is a strong consideration

All widowers have a history with marriage. The length, strength and happiness of your marriage will have an influence in determining what type of new relationship you are seeking.  Some widowers have seen their wives struggle with illness for a number of years while they became the primary care giver. Some may decide marrying again with the possibility of such a situation repeating itself is not for them.  Others may see that responsibility as part of any loving relationship and not be put off by it. Same experience, different conclusion, neither one right or wrong. 

• Is the woman with whom you’re  in love a widow, divorced or someone who has never married?

She of course also has her own history with relationships and that needs to be taken into consideration.

• At what  age did you  become a widower? 

Were you a young man of 30 or less, retired, 65 or older, or somewhere in between? The younger the widower, the more likely he will be looking to marry. This of course is not true for all. Some younger widowers may decide to now become a player, at least for the next few years.  

• How important to you is a sense of permanence? 

In the eyes of many, a marriage license is viewed as a stronger commitment to the relationship and thus makes for a more stable life.

• Are there any non-adult children to be considered? 

Be clear.  Are you looking for a care-taker for your children or for a wife?  If you’re basically looking for a care-taker, hiring a nanny might be a better solution. If you want to marry, depending on the age of the children it is reasonable to expect your new wife to be interested in parenting. In case she has children of her own, then the blending of the two families may pose additional issues. 

The children may become angry that their biological mother or father is being replaced.

They may refuse to be disciplined by their parent’s spouse. It is also possible that your future wife may have no interest in becoming involved with parenting. A related subject is how you treat your in-laws. Whether your relationship with them is positive, negative or neutral, it is important to remember they are grieving the loss of a daughter. They are also worried about their future relationship with their grandchildren. What part will they be permitted to play as their grandchildren continue to mature? Frank discussions between you, your bride to be, your children and their maternal grandparents are especially important for the entire family’s well-being.   

• What if adult children are in the picture? 

Do they welcome the woman of your choice into the family, or view her as a threat, a rival for your time, love or money?  Do they view her as a threat to their inheritance? Open communication with your adult children prior to marrying, and including them in your life after marriage will help create a smooth transition between your old and your new family. 

• Geography may be a factor.

Do you need to or want to stay in your own back yard, so to speak, or move to a different part of the country to accommodate your new found love?  Is she willing to move to your neck of the woods? If school-age children are involved, then even more issues need to be considered such as changing schools, losing friends, making new friends. Housing considerations are important too. The question of whose place may arise— yours, hers or a new one? 

Now let’s consider living together as an alternative to marriage. 

Living together no longer carries the stigma that it did in past times. Older generations were brought up with the view that living together without marriage was immoral. Today, such an arrangement between loving couples has taken a page from the millennial’s book.  According to the 2010 census, seven and a half million couples were living together. This was a 135% increase over the census of 1990. Forty percent of those couples living together in 2010 also had at least one child living with them.  

Just as couples decide to get married, so do many choose to live together without getting married.  Let’s consider some of the reasons.

• Loneliness is no fun. 

Following a long and happy marriage, you might feel that one marriage in your lifetime is enough. You’re  not interested in becoming involved in one-night dating but would like to have a more permanent type of relationship with someone you care about, and cares about you.  You’re looking for someone to love.

• Financial issues are important. 

A disparity in income, complexity of wills, concerns about each family’s inheritance, and not wanting to merge assets are just some of the financial considerations that may point in the direction of living together.

• Family members need to be considered.  

Often young children don’t want a replacement for their mother. They may be hostile and want nothing to do with a new wife, but may find it easier to embrace their dad’s new unmarried partner as a welcome addition to their family. Older and married children have a different agenda. It may be easier for them to welcome their father’s new relationship as a ray of sunlight for him. They may see her as someone to alleviate his loneliness and be pleased to know that he is living with someone who will be there for him. They could more easily relate to her as a friend or companion.  

On the other hand, older children may feel displaced for their father’s affection. Spending some alone-time with your son or daughter i.e. going to lunch, or a movie together can go a long way to solving that issue.

Whatever you and your mate decide, to marry or not to marry, or to live together, there will always be issues to resolve. Anticipating them and finding solutions as a couple is a recipe for success. Remember, the best decision is the one that the two of you make together. 

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