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Widower Risk Factors – Part Two
By Fred Colby on January 13, 2025
This is the second of two blogs on this topic. Part One outlined the Risk Factors, while Part Two deals with some solutions for the issues identified below.
There are several major risk factors faced by Widowers during their first year of grieving. Any of these can lead to life-threatening mental and physical health issues. Many, if not most of us (including me), have or will experience them at some point in our grief journey.
These risk factors often feed off each other and will intensify or aggravate the others. Fixing one does not necessarily diminish the others. Just knowing that these issues are common can help you to gain confidence and begin to address them.
Here are some brief offerings on dealing with the most common risk factors we encounter:
1. Isolation: It is OK and even healthy to self-isolate for a while. You need time to process the grief you are feeling, which can be overwhelming. You may not want to share the thoughts and feelings you are having at this time, but you need to acknowledge them. This drive to isolation may last only a few weeks, or as long as a year. If it last much longer you should meet with an experienced Grief Counselor. You can develop some code words to use with your friends and family to let them know when you just want to be left alone. I would just tell my daughters that I was having a “Crap” day, and they knew what that meant.
2. Loneliness: To overcome loneliness, you may have to be the one initiating contacts with family, old friends, and new friends. Do not wait for them the come to you because they may presume that you want to be left alone. It is easy to become angry at everyone for not calling you first. But ask yourself, how responsive were you in the past when a friend or family member lost someone? Until others experience it for themselves, they do not understand what you or others are going through. You may need to join groups, volunteer at area nonprofits, sign up for classes, return to church, or return to work to build up a new circle of friends who you can engage with on a regular basis.
3. Guilt: Whether you feel guilty over real or imagined events in the past, you will have to learn how to forgive yourself and how to leave these feelings behind. If the guilt is based upon real errors made by you, you may need to work with a therapist to find ways to address the guilt and to forgive yourself. Much of our guilt may be for things which were minor or unintentional, or for things which your wife was unaware of. But while in our hyper-emotional state we may be assigning importance to things which just are not really a big deal to anyone but ourselves.
4. Regrets and Anxiety: The following famous quote by Chinese philosopher, Lao Tzu, offers the best advice on how to confront these debilitating feelings:
“If you are depressed you are living in the past. If you are anxious you are living in the future. If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
During my deep grieving I would often sink into regrets over things in the past, or into anxiety about things in my future. This could be prompted by memories from the past, new friends (especially new girlfriends) in my life, or fears associated with finances, employment, relationships with family and friends, etc. Learning to “live in the present” takes real effort. I found support through the writings and talks by Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tollé, and Dr. Brené Brown, that were challenging, interesting, and helpful. I adopted the teachings I found useful and disregarded those which I found to be too alien to me or in conflict with my own belief system. You can learn from each experience and become a more conscious, loving, and empathetic person going forward. This is something our wives would be proud of us for doing.
5. Anger: Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into a continuous cycle of anger which distracts you from healing, distracts you from confronting your own demons (guilt, regret, anxiety, etc), and keeps you focused on everything except your wife and all the good you had together before her passing. Anger must be confronted head-on. Once you recognize it for the evil that it is, it becomes easier to discard it from your thoughts every time it tries to reassert itself. The best way to diminish anger is through gratitude. At first this may sound counterintuitive, but it is the best way to move forward in your healing process. The place to start is beginning every day with gratitude for the years you had with your wife, for the great experiences you had together, for the successes you had, for your family and friends, etc. The more you focus on this, the less power anger will have over you.
6. Lack of Sleep: Applying the saying of Lao Tzu (above) is a first step towards reducing your regrets and anxiety so you can sleep better. Every time you feel regret or anxiety, recognize it for what it is and reject it from your thoughts. Then focus on the present and what you can do right now to make life better. Also reducing your alcohol and/or drugs is important as both aggravate sleep problems. There are over-the-counter medications like Melatonin and Aleve PM that I have found to be of some help. But be aware that even these mild medications can become addictive.
7. Alcohol & Drugs: I found that for me anything over two drinks would send me into a downward spiral of wallowing grief that fed upon itself. If you have ever had any trouble with alcohol or drugs you must be even more vigilant now than ever. The pain, loneliness, self-isolation, anger, anxiety, and regrets are ready excuses for these weaknesses. The more you are able to avoid these problems, the sooner you will heal.
8. Hallucinations: These are often the result of severe mental stress and lack of sleep. I found the world around me to be surreal at times. Addressing the lack of sleep (see above) was the first and most important step for me in reducing these hallucinations. I know of widowers who had regular conversations with their deceased wives during this time, possibly the result of lack of sleep. If you are able to regain a more regular sleep pattern (e.g. 5 – 6 hours or more a night) and you still have hallucinations, it is time to see a qualified Grief Therapist.
9. Financial Insecurity: The severity of your financial security will dictate what level of assistance you need. You may be fortunate and have a financial expert within your family to help you out. If not, there are many resources out there to help you address any financial challenges you are facing. One of the best that I recommend is Wings for Widows, an online organization dedicated to helping Widows and Widowers with their financial challenges. Many of their services are free.
10. Physical Health Issues: I myself had an emergency hernia operation within months of my wife’s passing. Later I had treatment for prostrate cancer. So it is better to be prepared for this possibility than to ignore any signs that you may be experiencing. The tendency is to put off your medical checkups and treatment appointments; but I can tell you from experience that is the worst possible thing to do.
11. Depression: The problem with depression is that we often don’t even know that we have it. It is not just having suicidal thoughts (many of us will have some thoughts like this), it is sort of an amplification of all the previous issues outlined above. If you find yourself sinking into depression this is a warning that you need help, now! I always recommend “Grief” counselors, not regular family therapists. Many generalist counselors are not properly equipped to help widowers due to the unique and often extreme issues we are confronted with. Studies have shown that the more experience a therapist has with issues specific to the needs of widowers, the more effective they can be during your treatment. So do not just sit back and hope things will get better. Please call a Grief Therapist and make an appointment to discuss the challenges you are facing.
If you find yourself trapped in a repeating cycle of any of these issues, there are solutions… but you are the most important part of any solution. You must want to heal in order to heal.
Good luck my friends.
P.S. If you are experiencing depression and/or suicidal thoughts please read my blog on this topic at: https://www.fredcolby.com/blogs/overcoming-loneliness-and-suicidal-thoughts
©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
