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Marriage? Cohabitation? Live Apart Together? or Stay Single?
By Fred Colby on August 12, 2024
Suppose we do enter into a new and meaningful relationship with someone. In that case, the inevitable question that may emerge is whether you should get married, move in together, stay single, or try Living Apart Together (LAT).
Not long ago (think grandparents) social norms limited the choices to marriage or staying single. While many may have tiptoed around these accepted behavioral limitations, guilt for breaching these social norms would have made these relationships more difficult to sustain.
Today, as Baby Boomers have aged, they have brought their decades of disregard for the old norms to their relationships. This has led to a growing receptivity to previously disparaged options. So, if you are in a wonderful new relationship, and are not bound by strict religious beliefs or moral codes, what should you do in this new age of enlightenment with all its possibilities and choices?
Below is a summary of the four most prevalent choices available today, along with some thoughts on the pluses and minuses of each.
Marriage is still the most common choice for many widows and widowers. It is simple, straightforward, and something we as widowers have extended experience in. We may assume that since we had a hopefully great first marriage, then a second marriage should be just as good. Right? Well, I have some sobering news for you: 50% of second marriages fail, usually within 18 months! And often because the marriage partners jumped into it way too fast. We are frequently so desperate to fill the gaping hole left by our departed wife that we ignore the warning signs in a new relationship. So, if this is the direction you are going in, please slow things down and build a solid foundation before taking the big leap. There are many legal and financial issues, as well as family relationships to consider before remarrying.
Cohabitation is an arrangement where people who are not married, usually couples, live together. They are often involved in a romantic and/or intimate relationship on a long-term basis. This is increasingly common. This can avoid many of the issues mentioned previously in the Marriage segment. However, you still need to consider the “common law” issues of your state. Each state has different rules about what constitutes a common law marriage. You may find that the law regards you as married after a certain number of years no matter what you and your partner may think. Cohabitation is at least often easier to end than marriage if you and your partner find that your relationship is no longer viable for any reason. But there still may be many questions about who owns what (especially the home) as you part ways.
Living Apart Together (LAT) has become increasingly popular in our time due to its simplicity and avoidance of the many legal and financial questions raised by marriage and cohabitation. It also offers the benefit of allowing each partner to maintain their own space and privacy. LAT is more likely to avoid some issues such as inheritance, family relationships, and sharing of resources. The uncomfortableness and other challenges of visiting children and family members can be avoided in this arrangement. However, unlike marriage and cohabitation, in a LAT relationship, either party can easily and quickly end the relationship. While this can be a real benefit if difficult issues arise, it can be a defect if the commitment to the other party can be too easily walked away from.
Staying Single is of course always an option. But this means that there is no serious relationship, and it continues only so long as both parties desire it to do so. Many widows and widowers find that they just are not ready for anything more than companionship, no matter whether it is entirely platonic or for convenient intimacy with no strings attached. I have known many widows and widowers who are not, and may never be, ready for a new committed relationship.
Closing thoughts: Let’s face it, after a many years-long and happy (or even unhappy) marriage it is just plain scary to go out there and find someone new to love and cherish. And to put your psycho-emotional, legal, financial, and family relationships at risk by entering this new relationship is something many of us don’t want to do. So whatever option you choose as you move forward in your new relationship, please do allow yourself some time and space to consider what is best for you, your new love, and your family. To succeed you need to be sure to build a solid foundation that will support you during the good times and the bad. Good luck!
©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
