you're not alone...
What can Matt and Ben teach widowers?
By Fred Colby on March 20, 2024
Matt Damon and Ben Affleck seem an unlikely pair to be teaching Widowers how to heal and regain purpose and joy in their lives. But in fact, they are a great example for us to follow.
As I have mentioned before, when a husband dies his wife will likely be surrounded by her friends who will hug her, love her, and support her through much of her grief. However, men are often fortunate if they have one or two good male friends… and even these may be unable or unwilling to provide the support we need.
David Oliver in a USA Today Money article, states, “ Close friendships between men can and do exist. Look no further than best friends Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, who regularly discuss their friendship and even appeared together during a Dunkin’ commercial during the Super Bowl. In the ad, Damon tells Affleck he’d ‘do anything’ for him.”
Women are raised to be nurturing and supportive, while we men are taught to be tough, independent, and not “too close” to other men. However, once we become widowers, we often find that we need these relationships now more than ever. Why, because only other widowers can understand what we are going through. This commonality of experience helps us to be more empathetic and supportive of each other.
Often this begins in the Men’s Grief Groups that some of us join. In these groups, we learn to break down the normal societal norms of keeping everything to ourselves, and we learn how to be emotionally available and present with other men. This can be the beginning of building better and stronger relationships going forward that can yield many physical and mental health benefits.
For example, six months after my wife passed, I joined a “Breakfast Club” group of 55 and older singles. While women outnumbered men in the group by a ratio of around 8 to 1, there were other men I would not have met otherwise. Some of us banded together and started hiking, snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, and bike riding. This helped me to get into better physical shape and I felt more self-confident.
Before the death of our spouses, we often feel that we don’t need strong male bonds and friendships, in part because we become lazy after settling into our married routines. This lack of practice in talking to other men (other than while watching a football game) leaves us unprepared when we find ourselves alone. As a result, we don’t know how to respond to others who have suffered a loss… at least not until we lose our wife.
“Celebrities such as Affleck and Damon who speak up about topics including mental health and friendship could further help break men out of traditional masculinity.” (USA Today Money)
If we want stronger and more supportive friendships, it is up to each of us to take the first steps. We will have to be the “vulnerable” ones willing to put ourselves out there. The rewards are many as we build new and stronger relationships that open us up to whole new areas of conversation and experiences that are richer. These can help our lives to become deeper, more nuanced, and more rewarding.
I invite you to join me on this journey of discovery and allow yourself to grow and learn from these new friendships.
©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
