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Remorse About Your Wife’s Illness and Death
By Fred Colby on August 22, 2024
A year before my wife’s passing, she began to experience upsetting physical and mental conditions, including skin rashes and stress. This continued for a while with her unable to determine the cause or to find solutions after visiting a couple of doctors.
Around that time, she began criticizing almost anything that I did. This was uncharacteristic of her, and I could not figure out where this was coming from. I just tried to lay low for a while and hope this would go away. However, it continued to escalate to the point where I was getting really upset.
One day I just blew up at her, something I had NEVER DONE BEFORE. I cursed at her, yelled at her, and told her that this could not continue, that I did not know what was going on, but that things had to change and change soon. With that, I stomped out of the house to go to work on a Sunday, just to get away from her for a bit and calm down.
When I returned home three hours later, she apologized, and we were able to return to what we were before. But I never really understood what had happened until after she died from uterine cancer several months later.
As one reader (T. Kemp) told me about his experience during his wife’s extended illness, “My wife, she’s still a nice person but she has no patience anymore and it’s like we’re fighting a constant battle… I’m facing terrible depression. I am a strong person but everybody does have a breaking point.”
As this troubling event had stuck with me ever since it occurred, I could not help but go over it repeatedly. It was then that I realized that she had been much more troubled by her physical condition than she had let on and she probably was mad at me for not noticing it more or taking it more seriously.
With that understanding, I was able to not only pardon her for that behavior but also absolve myself for the way I had reacted. This helped me to forgive myself for not having noticed earlier how much her illness had been troubling her.
She was frustrated and angry I am sure for not being able to figure out what the hell was going on. The only way she knew to communicate her frustration and anger was by letting it out on me in the form of criticisms. Unfortunately, these criticisms gave me no clue as to what was wrong, and she did not know how to tell me.
My message to all of you is that if you noticed a behavior change in your wife while she was going through all the diagnoses, doctor visits, treatments, and hospice care… allow yourself to step back and forgive her for the more negative expressions. Her actions were likely the result of fear, doubts, regrets, and anger that she was feeling but not knowing how to express.
If you have a wife going through this now, the things I can recommend are to:
1. Just love her and be sure to let her know that you love her
2. Be a sponge and just sit and listen to anything and everything she wants to say to you
3. Ask her to let you know anything that she needs you to do for her, and be willing to do it
4. Celebrate the good that was in your marriage and thank her for all she did for you and others
5. Get help while you are going through this. Most hospices and hospitals have support programs for Caretakers to help you and your wife through this trying experience.
If you are feeling depressed for long periods of time, please seek grief counseling support to help you survive this. Don’t try to face this alone. We all need help at times, and this is a good time to accept it.
©2024 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
