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REINVENTING YOURSELF – TO SURVIVE AND HEAL
By Fred Colby on May 27, 2025
As we said at every meeting of my online grief group, “It will never be the same again!” Nothing shakes up your world and self-identity like the loss of your wife.
When Theresa, my wife of 45 years, passed in 2015 I lost three of the four legs that supported the foundation of my life: wife, family, job, and faith. My faith was in crisis, I had left my job to take care of my wife, and my wife was now deceased. Only my family remained.
To add to my sense of loss, I felt as if half of my identity had been ripped away. What was left to define me and to serve as my foundation going forward?
At first, the answer was not much. As I emerged from the deepest and most painful first months of grieving, I realized that I did not know who this new person was. Were the labels of widower and grandfather all that was left to define me? Did I want to continue as this ill-defined half of a person that I seemed to now be?
I discovered over time that reinventing yourself does not mean that the old self was imperfect or lacking. However, this process is a recognition that things have changed, and you may need to adapt to your new reality.
After getting out some, and meeting new people, and trying some new activities, I realized that I could redefine my new self any way that I wanted to. Yes, I would always be Theresa’s husband, the father of my children, and the grandfather of my grandchildren… but I could be more. It was up to me! No one else could do it for me.
This led to me engaging in snowshoeing, cross-country skiing, hiking, and dancing as a way to redefine my newly active self. So often, some of us who have been in long marriages tend to fall into a complacency which leads to a less active lifestyle with few new challenges. We tend to spend more time on leisure activities like reading, going to the movies, watching sports, etc. This gets old real fast when you are by yourself and have no one to share things with. Over time, if not addressed, this can lead to isolation and depression.
I recognize that during this time of deep grieving it can be especially challenging to get out there and become more active. But even then, there is no reason we cannot begin looking for those activities and projects that we might be able to join soon. And some activities, such as outdoor ones, can first be started on a small scale. Writing journals, joining online groups, and more can also be initiated now.
To keep my new self mentally engaged, I soon joined two Boards of Directors: the local library, and Pathways hospice which had supported my wife, me, and my family through her passing and our grieving process. At Pathways I worked with the Grief & Loss department to help launch and then co-facilitate a Men’s Grief Group which continues to this day.
And finally, I decided to write my book, Widower to Widower, to help other widowers to survive the painful and daunting grief process. Like Herb Knoll (author of The Widower’s Journey), I had spent months trying to find printed materials which could help me through the grieving experience. Much to my own and my therapist’s dismay we could find little that was of use. She finally challenged me to write the book I would want to read. This led to me spending over a year of writing and editing, and another year of formatting, polishing, publishing, and promoting the book. (Click here to see reviews and testimonies of Widower to Widower)
Eventually, all of these new activities, friends, compatriots, and positions helped me to re-invent my new self into something healthy and vibrant again. The four-legged stool was restored by reclaiming my faith, adding new volunteer “jobs” to my resume, strengthening my role as father and grandfather, and bringing new friends into my circle. Today, while I still grieve for my wife at times, I once again feel alive and fully engaged with my community, friends, and family.
This new self was developed over a four-year period and is still a work in progress. Over time it has evolved further. I am convinced that for me this process of re-inventing myself was crucial to my healing from the deep grieving I experienced after losing Theresa.
Each widower will find their own way to this “reinvention” process and will do so at their own pace. It can be a noble undertaking that engages you in a dynamic and creative way.
There is no need to rush it, force it, or even fully engage with it. Allow yourself the time and space to do this in a way which meets your individual needs, background, culture, and situation. If you do this, you can eventually find yourself enjoying life once again.
©2025 Fred Colby, All rights reserved.
