Men and Women Feel Grief Similarly—But Show It Differently

In feminist literature today, there is a strong emphasis on how men and women are more alike than different. On some level, I agree. Both men and women often feel the same emotions after losing someone close. Sadness, emptiness, and a longing for the person who died are universal.

How We Cope Depends on Gender, Personality, and Culture

Yet, what we do with those feelings can vary greatly. Men and women often cope differently. It may also depend on who died and at what stage of life the loss occurred.
To truly understand these differences, we must look beyond individuals. We must ask what kind of world they came from. How was grief handled in that culture or community? What were the traditional mourning roles? How did those roles differ for men and women?
Even though we each grieve in our own way, we are shaped by the customs, expectations, and norms of the world around us.

Grief Doesn’t Follow Stages—It Transforms Us

After more than 40 years of research in the world of the bereaved, I’ve seen a shift. We no longer speak of “stages” of grief. Grief does not move in a straight line.
The death of a spouse, a child, or even a best friend changes us forever. We do not recover in the traditional sense. Rather, grief becomes part of the life cycle. It is human. It is normal. It is not a sickness.

We Carry Grief Forward, Not Leave It Behind

We don’t forget the past. Instead, we carry it with us into the future. These deeply felt emotions and experiences shape who we are now—and who we are becoming.
Over the past two decades, much has changed. We have a better understanding of grief, and the roles of men and women have also evolved. Yet, in many ways, some roles remain the same.
Younger men may feel freer to cry and express their sadness when their wives pass. However, many still insist on appearing strong. They try to manage everything alone. Often, they rely on women in their lives for emotional support. Many avoid support groups, fearing they will appear “needy.”

The Story of a Young Widowed Father

While researching my 2009 book, *A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children*, I spoke with a young father. He believed he had to manage everything when his wife died. Though part of a younger generation, he still thought it was wrong to cry or show sadness.
He rejected the idea that he could learn from other grieving parents. He also failed to notice his children’s need for comfort and attention.

Healing Through Connection

A concerned friend finally convinced him to join a grief support program for families. Listening to others share their stories changed him. He saw how deeply the loss had affected him. He realized he needed to change—for his children and for himself.
Today, he encourages other widowers to attend support groups. He tells them it’s worth it to talk, to listen, and to grow in realistic ways.

Older Widowers May Struggle Even More

Older men often have a harder time accepting help. Their generation tends to value independence and self-reliance. Many were raised to avoid showing emotion.
One man I interviewed refused to visit a local senior center. His neighbors worried as he grew more depressed. But he kept insisting he was fine.
Eventually, he gave in—mainly to stop their nagging. Though he didn’t want to talk about his grief, he joined a book group. Over time, his energy returned. He became more engaged with others.

The Widowed Help Each Other Most

As professionals, we continue to study grief. We now pay more attention to the rising number of widowers. Yet, one thing stands out: no one solution works for everyone.

What helps one man might not help another. And still, despite all the studies and research, those who grieve often learn best from each other. That’s what struck me most after reading *The New York Times* feature on widowers and the National Widowers’ Organization.
The power of peer support—grievers helping grievers—is often the most healing force of all.