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Helping a friend who is grieving
By Stanley Kissel, Ph.D. on May 13, 2020
About the author
Stanley Kissel, Ph.D., a retired clinical psychologist, was an Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at Monroe County Community College, Nazareth College and the University of Rochester. Dr. Kissel has authored five psychology books and conducted workshops throughout the United States. He is on the board of the National Widowers’ Organization.
So how can you best support your grieving friend?
How often have you heard someone say, “After Peggy died I wanted to call or visit Frank, but I just didn’t know what to say?” Unfortunately it happens too often. There is a time when just your presence is comforting and appreciated by a friend who has recently lost his wife. Yet later in the grieving process, taking a more active approach can be more helpful.
First let’s consider in more detail what he is experiencing.
Grieving begins with the loss of a loved one. It comes to a close as the widower moves forward with his life. There are no sharp delineations between the two. However, to understand the normal process, we can section it into: a beginning, a transitional period and an ending.
BEGINNING
Following the death of one’s wife and for some time thereafter, widowers report a number of different feelings and behaviors. Among them are loneliness, an inability to sleep, excessive crying, hopelessness and helplessness, loss of appetite, and withdrawal from social contacts. During this time he may even experience anger. Usually the anger can be aimed at God, at the world and even at his wife for abandoning him.
TRANSITIONAL PERIOD
During the transitional period widowers report that they are sleeping better and have regained their appetite. They will become more receptive to resuming social activities such accepting invitations to join others for a meal, a movie or a show. While the crying will not cease, it will become less frequent and the feelings of abandonment may begin to subside.
During this period a widower will most likely experience some triggers. They are occurrences that he associates specifically with his wife and cause him to become upset. Triggers usually arise without warning. They can be as simple as hearing a song or passing a certain restaurant that had a special meaning to him and his wife. While he believes he has moved past his earlier reactions to such incidents, when a trigger appears he may once again start crying. If that happens in your presence, reassure your friend that such occurrences are to be expected and will become less and less frequent with time. Indeed they will.
Returning to his place of employment
which initially seemed like a chore, will now become more interesting to the widower. One of the most significant indications that your grieving friend is moving along in coping with his loss is his willingness to focus more on the positive and happy times he shared with his wife. For me it came in the form of writing vignettes of places my wife and I visited during our many years of travel together. While writing about them, it brought a smile to my face instead of the tears that I had become accustomed to while thinking about her.
ENDING
The last period, moving forward, is filled with your friend beginning to seem like his old self. He begins to be receptive to dating, enjoys being with other people and is able to once again experience life. These three periods of grieving are not absolute, nor are their durations. They are a conceptualization for thinking about grief. Understanding where your friend may be in the process will help you give comfort to him while he is grieving.
Another consideration is the make-up of the widower’s family. While the average widower is likely to have grown children with families of their own, a significant number are left with young and teen-age children. They are overwhelmed by their responsibilities as a single parent while struggling with grief over their loss. Meeting family needs while in the turmoil of grief can delay or prolong the grieving process.
Now let us consider some ways you can be helpful to your grieving friend.
EARLY STAGE
Don’t ask your friend, “How can I be of help?” Instead TELL HIM. “I would like to take you out for lunch,” or I’m bringing over some food for your freezer. What’s a good time to come?” Casseroles are appreciated, so bring him food, or possibly organize for friends to bring some food to the house for at least the first week of mourning.
First ask, and then do. I’m talking about simple household tasks. For example, “I’m on my way, can I bring in your mail?” or “May I put these dishes from the sink into the dishwasher,” or “I’m going to the super market, is there anything you need?”
Your friend will remember and appreciate the help, especially if his family lives far away.
Some friends stay away from the widower because they don’t know what to say or are afraid they may say something that may be upsetting. Just give him a hug and tell him how sorry you are for his loss. He will appreciate your visit. If you are a widow or widower, share some of your experiences with him. It is also helpful to share some of your memories about his wife. If you are the only visitor and continue to be uncomfortable, let him know that you just dropped over to say hello, and that you will return in a few days for a real visit.
When the widower has young children, organizing a few friends for carpooling will be helpful. Arranging some play dates, or taking the children out for a meal or some ice cream would be very helpful as well. Don’t worry about being a pest. Call frequently, visit often and go out with him for lunch or dinner when he’s ready. Most importantly BE AVAILABLE TO LISTEN!
LATER STAGES
While the life your friend shared with his wife is part of him and will live in his memories, it is important for his mental health that he start the process of moving forward. As the widower begins to shift his thoughts from what he lost to happier memories of his wife, he is beginning his transition back into life. He feels less inept and is now more receptive to engaging in social situations.
Feel free to talk with him about how fortunate he was to have been married to his wife. If he is someone who is your go to guy to fix something around the house, solve a computer problem etc., continue to ask for his help. Such tasks will remind him of how useful he still is. Invite him to go out for lunch or dinner with you and your wife or mutual friends. If he tries to beg off, it’s okay to be a little more assertive in insisting he join you than you would have been during an earlier stage of his grieving. In case you think your friend is interested in dating, then encourage him. If you know someone who you believe is suitable, explore whether they would be interested in meeting each other.
Helping a friend who is grieving can be stressful.
It is important that you remember that it’s not about your comfort level. It is about your friend’s grief. It’s not your job to try to fix his situation, but to just be there to be supportive.
P.S. Be aware that during this time of social distancing and isolation necessary to contain COVID 19, a grieving widower’s feelings of loneliness will become magnified. Do keep in touch with him by phone or video calls and email or texting to remind him that you are still there for him.
