Understanding Grief: An Individual Journey

Grieving is not a permanent state following a major life stress. Instead, it is the body’s natural way of coping with overwhelming shock after losing a loved one.

Some religions prescribe specific behaviors after a spouse or family member dies—tasks to perform, clothing to wear, and timelines for mourning periods.

Some social scientists describe grieving in stages, each linked to specific feelings. Others view it as a psychiatric disorder.

I do not agree.

Personal Experience and Professional Insight

Before retiring, I was a board-certified Clinical Psychologist and Diplomat of the American Board of Professional Psychologists. After losing my wife of 48 years, I joined the Martha’s Vineyard Men’s Bereavement Group because I believe men grieve differently than women. Now, as an officer of the National Widowers’ Organization—an international resource for recent widowers—I have seen how unique grieving truly is.

Grief is Deeply Individual

It is my view that grieving is deeply individual. There is no right or wrong way to experience it. It is the mind and body coping with a life crisis: the loss of a loved one. Grief is the beginning of moving from point A to point B. That is why it is crucial not to deny the loss or bottle up feelings; that would be the least effective way to cope and could lead to another crisis.

The Importance of Men’s Bereavement Groups

For men unaccustomed to expressing emotions, a men’s bereavement group can be very helpful. Why specifically a men’s group? Because men and women grieve differently. Women tend to feel more comfortable expressing emotions openly. Whether due to nature or nurture, this difference shapes how each gender grieves. Being with other grieving men can help even the most reticent open up and share their feelings.

No Set Stages or Timelines

There are no specific stages, emotions, or coping methods that one must experience. There is no set time to be angry or to cry. Members of my group describe grief in many ways: feeling under a dark cloud with sudden eruptions of emotion; crying unexpectedly during meetings; walking through a dark tunnel with no light; berating themselves for not crying; feeling guilt about starting new relationships; or vowing never to love again.

Diverse Grief Experiences

Some expressed anger at their spouse for dying or feelings of betrayal. Others felt helpless with daily life and coped by either isolating themselves or throwing themselves into activities. Some used medication to sleep; others stayed up late watching TV or listening to call-in radio. Several men had cared for their ailing wives for years before their death, losing not only their spouse but also their caregiver role, which had defined their identity. For some, this loss brought guilt or relief.

Finding Comfort and Moving Forward

When overwhelmed by sadness, I found it helpful to remember the happy times shared with my wife. Despite tears, I could still smile. Frank Sinatra put it best: “I did it my way.” Grieving is individual—one size does not fit all.

There is an endpoint to grieving. It is a temporary state that helps mind and body cope with tragedy. Moving through grief does not mean forgetting your loved one or that sadness will never return. Your lost loved one remains part of you, shaping your future.

Moving on—or as I prefer, moving forward—is gradual. You will start looking forward to work again, enjoy dining out with friends, attend religious services more comfortably, and perhaps consider dating. Some take up new hobbies or vocations. For example, I started writing novels, a friend took up bridge, and others began new careers. As I often say, life is for the living. Grieving is necessary but only a temporary stop on life’s highway.