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Grief and Alcohol and Drug Use
By Charles E. Schwartz, MD on July 12, 2022
How can grief affect alcohol and drug use
Men who are grieving after the death of their spouses or other close relatives, are much more likely to run into major problems with alcohol and/or drug use. Grief causes terrible stress and unbearable pain from their loss. In their struggle to cope, they may turn to drinking alcohol or taking un-prescribed drugs to numb their pain, to be able to not think about it for a while. Unfortunately, although they seem to help at first, drinking and drugs actually increase the pain of depression and anxiety. It can become disabling and full-blown illnesses of their own, causing more severe and prolonged bereavement.
Who is most at risk?
Current or Past Alcoholism and Addiction
Grieving men who are actively drinking and/or using drugs, as well as, those who have used in the past, and have successfully managed to quit and achieve sobriety not been drinking or using drugs, are at the greatest risk of drinking again and taking up drug use under the stress of their grief.
Lack of Social Support
Those who don’t have a lot of social support from their families, are also at high risk of drinking and using drugs to numb their painful emotions or try to forget.
Instrumental Grieving
Research has shown that men have a different style of grieving than women do. While women have “intuitive (emotion-based) grieving,” men may not express their grief emotionally, through crying or speaking with friends and relatives, but often remain isolated, trying to go it alone, tough it out. Men are used to coping by physically doing things and trying to directly fix their problems. This has been called “instrumental grieving.” The death of a spouse is, however, unfixable. And, they are often reluctant to participate in bereavement counseling, support groups, or other services.
What are signs to watch for?
- Drinking more than 14 alcohol-containing drinks/week, and/or more than 4 drinks in a single day (called “Binge Drinking”), or Using un-prescribed drugs daily and/or using them repeatedly in a single day. Experts call this “High Risk Drinking or Drug Use.”
- Drinking and/or using drugs to the point where you have trouble taking care of yourself and functioning normally, e.g., memory problems, problems staying focused and paying attention, eating, bathing, paying your bills.
- Being told by friends/family that they are worried because you are drinking or using drugs too much, which may make you very angry
- Feeling guilty about your drinking or drug use.
- Getting into fights while drunk or high. Injuring others or being injured.
- Driving after drinking or using drugs (Driving Under the Influence), getting into accidents, being stopped by police and getting arrested for DUI or DWI.
- Having hours when you just don’t remember what happened, how you got some place, called “Blackouts.”
- Falling or getting injuries.
- Getting health problems caused by your drinking or drug use, but continuing to drink/use drugs despite knowing that they are hurting you. Heath problems can include severe heartburn (called GERD), stomach pains, liver abnormalities (seen on routine blood testing), high blood pressure, heart problems (palpitations, trouble breathing, swelling of your legs or stomach, heart attacks, strokes).
- Having strong urges to have drinks or use drugs that are out of your control.
- Being unable to cut down or stop even though you have really tried
- Getting more severely depressed or anxious (attacks of panic, thoughts about killing yourself, feeling that everyone is against you (called paranoia), seeing or hearing things that are not really there (called hallucinating).
Please note that in normal bereavement, feelings of deep sadness improve, often very, very slowly over time and don’t get worse and worse. - Feeling that you are stuck in your bereavement and that you are not making progress in what you are able to do after many weeks or months.
- Feeling much worse when you don’t drink or use drugs. For example, feeling pain in your stomach head, joints and bones; shaking, shivering or sweating; feeling your heart race, first thing in the morning, to the point where you have to drink or use drugs to feel better.
What can you do?
- Although it is hard, tell someone about your drinking or drug use. Think of a trusted friend or relative, your minister or religious leader in your faith, or a bereavement counselor.
- Push past your embarrassment and discomfort, and try out a bereavement support group. This way you will see that you are not alone or unique in your suffering, that others struggle just as you do. You will hear how they are trying to cope, what they’ve tried and learned.
- For additional support, seek out other widowers to speak with individually. For example, the National Widowers’ Organization (NWO) offers a Widower-2-Widower Program, which pairs up widowers to support each other.
- Speak with your doctor so he/she can exam you and do blood tests to see if your drinking or drug use has caused damage.
- Ask your doctor what she/he recommends
- See your doctor regularly – more often than in the past, to work with you.
- Go to religious services, if this is something you’ve done before, and speak with your minister or pastor. Work with her/him in pastoral counseling.
- Get out and get some exercise every day (walking or the kind of exercise that you used to do)
- If you can, speak with someone who has successfully quit.
- If that person was or is involved in AA, ask if she/he can go with you to just sit in and watch an AA meeting. Please note that it is perfectly OK not to say anything at the meeting. Speaking or not speaking is completely up to you.
- Tell your trusted friend, family about what you plan to do, so that they can provide support.
