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But she is not like my wife
By Stanley Kissel Ph.D. on January 15, 2019
About the author
Stanley Kissel, Ph.D., a retired clinical psychologist, was an Adjunct Associate Professor of Psychology at Monroe County Community College, Nazareth College and the University of Rochester. Dr. Kissel has authored five psychology books and conducted workshops throughout the United States. He is on the board of the National Widowers’ Organization.
First relationship after being widowed
A friend of mine, let’s call him Harry, decided to start dating three months following the death of his wife. They had been married for 44 years. After a few dates he began lamenting, “But they’re not like my wife”. Friends and family members tried to convince him that he should stop looking for a clone of his late wife but he ignored them.
Harry’s search for a new partner brought him to the internet and after numerous first dates he finally got the message. He met a woman who was unlike his wife in a number of ways. They fell in love. At our most recent contact, he told me that they were happily married and moving to a senior residence in California.
I was more fortunate than Harry.
I met the woman who is my “life partner” 40 years ago. She and her husband and my wife and I were good friends for all of those years. We traveled together and also had them to our home in Martha’s Vineyard every year for long weekends. The women became very close. They took sewing classes together, attended lectures and would meet for lunch on a regular basis.
My wife passed away one year after the death of my partner’s husband. For the next four years she and I continued our friendship, becoming a support group of two. We subscribed to the symphony and local theatre groups. We would have dinner together once a week, and spoke on the phone frequently. Six years ago we recognized that our feelings for each other were deeper and we became a couple.
My late wife and my life partner were quite different from one another in many ways, just as I was from her husband. We weren’t interested in replicating our previous relationships, but both of us believed in the adage that, “Life is for the living”. We agreed that we were now in a different phase of our lives and that living takes place in the present, where we would develop our own set of dynamics. Of course that didn’t mean forgetting our pasts, which were a significant part of our lives. We frequently talk about our spouses and also reminisce about some of the good times the four of us had together.
A different side of the relationship coin is, “But she is so much like my wife.”
While the former lament is more often associated with good and lengthy marriages, this lament is often found after marriages that were filled with strife and tension. Couples who were unhappy but stayed together for varying reasons, or husbands who struggled as care-givers to their wife’s prolonged illness before becoming widowed are but two examples.
Some similar or dissimilar characteristics of your late spouse may be present or absent in a woman you date. You need not ignore the feelings you have for someone new in your life. Presumably, she will be quite different than your wife in many ways and yet similar to her in many others. Together you can create a fresh relationship that is unique to the two of you. She will relate to you in ways which will evoke new reactions from you as the two of you build a life for yourselves together.
You will find yourselves coping with issues associated with new and different challenges.
For example, the issues can include whether you live together or marry, how you relate to each other’s families, or do we live in my place, her place or sell both and buy or rent something new. The process of addressing such issues will contribute to the type of relationship you will establish with your new mate.
While one side of the coin focuses on similarities and the other on differences, they are both rooted in experiences that occurred the past, and may be a hindrance to establishing a new and lasting relationship. As I mentioned above, life is for the living and that takes place in the present. Memories are in the realm of the past. Some are good and some not so good, but all are a part of you, guiding and shaping who you are. The third temporal dimension is the future which is all about aspirations. It provides you with goals.
However, you live in the present which is ever changing. Don’t become a slave to either your past or to your future expectations. Rather, listen to your heart. Permit yourself to become part of creating a new relationship. A different relationship than you previously had with your spouse or one you may have imagined for your future.
