3 Ways to Survive Grief During the Holidays

The days are dark now here in the northern hemisphere. For those grieving lost loved ones, the coming gray of winter often matches our feelings better than the gatherings and gifts of the holiday season. The experience of loss during the holidays can bring a new kind of loneliness.
However, in just a few weeks, this new pain will lighten. It is as certain as the sunrise that January 2nd will arrive. But how do we get from today to that day? How do we endure and map a path of emotional survival?

1. Lower Expectations. This holiday season is a time of self-care. Healing from grief is like healing from a broken leg or stomach flu. It is a process you cannot control but must respect. Would you expect yourself to dance on a broken leg? Or feast if you had the flu? Treat yourself as if you are healing from something big. Accept that you won’t have your best holiday ever—or anything close to normal. I decided the first holiday season after my sister died that if on any day I wasn’t hit by an anvil falling from the sky, I could call it a good enough day. By those standards, you can have many good days.
2. Don’t Suffer in Silence. Every year, my aunt hosts an open house on New Year’s Day. One year, a newly widowed friend was attending. She insisted no one mention his deceased wife, even though she usually came with him. When he entered, my aunt frantically signaled us behind his back to keep quiet. Many of us knew it was wrong not to offer condolences or ask how he was coping, but we were afraid of upsetting our hostess.

   Many people think mentioning loss is taboo. They fear it invades privacy or triggers an emotional meltdown. Yet most grieving people know the opposite is true. Even a little human acknowledgment can stop grief from overwhelming someone.
   Fortunately, my aunt’s friend gave himself and us a break. He took the initiative, mentioned his wife, expressed how much he missed her, and shared how he was doing. We then could express our support and affection.
   Sam Feldman, founder of the National Widowers’ Organization, recounts in my film *The Secret Map of Surviving Loss* how he learned to navigate others’ silence and awkwardness:

   “I remember the first time I went to a dinner party after Gretchen died… I was the odd man out. No one said anything about Gretchen. I was so upset I left. Later, I realized it was my responsibility to say ‘Gretchen really would have loved to be here tonight. She loved your food and she loved you guys. I really miss her tonight.’”

   Sam concluded, “If I had been more open, it would have opened them up to being able to talk about it.”

   So, if you are in reasonably trusting company, break the ice. Talk about your loved one. Share what they enjoyed about this time of year and the people you’re with, if appropriate. Don’t suffer in silence waiting for others to mention your loved one. They may be waiting for you.

3. Make Some Plans. Your goal this holiday season is to achieve maximum emotional comfort with minimal injury and aggravation—a good strategy every year. To do this, try a few types of plans:
   • Plans of distraction: Do time-consuming activities to engage your attention. Maybe read the last eight Nobel Prize winners in literature, watch a three-day marathon of the Three Stooges, start a long home improvement project, or take a day trip somewhere new. Let these activities claim your focus. There will still be plenty of time to grieve and think of your loved one.
   • Plans of escape: Plan to avoid grief triggers or annoying situations. One widow I knew flew to Europe to “Get out of Dodge” for the holidays. Not everyone can travel, but you can familiarize yourself with “emergency exits” at events you must attend. Know when to leave early or limit your time. Your escape might be attending one hour of a long event or stepping outside for a break.
   • Plans of comfort: Plan something you look forward to. Try coffee with a good listener, get a massage, eat your favorite mac and cheese, or indulge in a steak dinner. Get back to the gym or spend time outside. Find places to unload stress and sadness, even if only for short periods.